The One Thing I'm Unmovable About (Even When It Makes People Uncomfortable)
"I'm unmovable about something, and it makes some people uncomfortable. But I learned in grad school that without it, I'd burn out and hate everything I..."
I learned something in my master’s program that terrified me.
Not a therapy technique. Not a diagnosis criteria. Not even how to handle a crisis.
It was this: If I didn’t take care of myself first, I would burn out, retire hating this work, and resent every client who walked through my door.
And I was sitting there thinking, Oh my God. I will not let that happen.
Because I’d seen it. There are therapists who are extremely burnt out and hate what they do. They hate their clients. They drag themselves to work. They count down the minutes until retirement.
And I was like, Absolutely not. That’s not going to be me.
That’s when someone introduced me to the oxygen mask rule.
You know—the one they tell you on airplanes? Put your own mask on first before helping others?
It clicked for me in that moment. Not as a cute metaphor, but as a non-negotiable requirement for doing this work sustainably.
And I’m going to be really honest with you: I became wild, insane, unmovable about self-care after that.
Not the Instagram version of self-care. The real kind. The kind that means saying no, setting boundaries that make people uncomfortable, and protecting my energy like my life depends on it.
Because it does.
What Changed After I Learned This
Let me tell you what “oxygen mask first” actually looks like in my life.
My kids went to daycare as soon as they could. My poor daughter—she was born in June 2018, so we had to get through COVID a bit. But the minute she could go, they both went.
And that’s what’s best. It will always be best for me that they have other people pouring into them and that I have breaks.
I could never homeschool. It would be the most miserable thing I ever signed up for. I would never sign up for it because having change in what’s expected of me, having alone time, downtime, break time—I can’t have all day every day me being in the same role or multitasking.
Does that make me a bad mom? No. It makes me a sustainable mom.
It makes me the kind of mom who’s actually happy to see her kids at pickup instead of depleted and resentful.
I build in breaks before life gets busy. Right now, I have a long weekend planned. We’re leaving Tuesday around noon—which is why I won’t be available at my usual time. I work Tuesday morning, then I cut it off.
Those breaks are already there, set up before life got busy. They interrupt everything else. They’re non-negotiable.
And here’s the thing: I love Tuesdays. Tuesdays are my busiest day. They’ve been that way for months. And I’m happy as hell at the end of a busy Tuesday because I’ve already taken care of myself.
I’m wild about what days of the week I work. What I give of myself and how I give of myself. There are boundaries around my schedule that I will not move.
Because I want to keep loving what I do.
The Physical Release I Denied Myself
Here’s something I realized recently: I’ve been denying myself massage.
Last week, I went back to a place I liked. I told the therapist, “I need you to work on me. I need somebody else to release what I’m holding onto.”
And she did. She really worked on my muscles. I was sore Friday and Saturday.
But I also released a lot. I was relieved and released of tension that I was holding and was used to. I was normalizing that tension. I wasn’t even aware of it.
During the massage, I actually had an emotional reaction. Things being released. And then I felt lighter.
And here’s what I tell myself during those massages: “Mary, it’s safe to release this tension. You’re safe right now. You’re being taken care of. Receive the care.”
Because I can get very in my head and not be present.
But that physical work—releasing what I’m holding in my body—that’s part of the oxygen mask too.
It’s recognizing that I’m holding onto stress and trauma in my muscles. And I need help releasing it. I can’t do it alone.
Massage has been part of my self-care plan in different seasons, and I’m recognizing the importance of it being in the routine again right now.
The Boundaries That Keep Me Sane
You want to know another oxygen mask moment? It’s 2 AM, and my dog Brutus is whining in the laundry room.
My husband’s out of town. The kids had drama going on. Brutus wanted to roam the house in the middle of the night, and I said no.
He has his bed. He has his crate. He’s safe and sound. He doesn’t want to be in there, but it’s what’s best for him and for everybody else.
And that helps me not be overwhelmed.
It’s just like a baby in the crib when you need to take a shower. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you can hear them crying. But the safety is established, and you’re putting your needs forward to reduce the overwhelm.
I’ve had clients with babies this year, and I’ve told them: That baby’s going to be okay. It’s not ideal to have a screaming baby in the house, but if you need to step away and take a shower for five to ten minutes, that baby’s safe. It’s not going to hurt itself.
And it is so much better for you to change the scenery and wash your hair—even if it’s a stressful shower—than to push yourself past your limit.
The Arizona Connection (Because You Asked)
Living here in Arizona, I’ve learned something else about self-care: I need sunshine.
I’m not a water person. I’m not a mountain person. I’m not a forest person. I think they’re all cool, but I could take or leave them.
But sunshine? I can’t be where it’s not sunny. Of the elements, mine’s sunshine.
That’s why I love going to Disneyland—we’re outdoors all day. We walk for miles. We’re in the sunshine and fresh air for twelve hours. No problem.
Because being in four walls, inside breathing air-conditioned air most of the time? We need to connect with whatever our spiritual connect is. Sun, woods, forest, ocean, mountains.
For me, it’s sun. And that means I build that in regularly. Not as a luxury. As a necessity.
What’s Your Oxygen Mask?
Here’s what I want you to understand: Self-care isn’t selfish.
It’s how you stay present. It’s how you keep loving what you do. It’s how you show up for the people who need you without resenting them.
And I’m going to be really honest—I want my clients to see that I take care of myself. My hair. My nails. My boundaries with my time. All of it.
Because if I don’t model it, how can I ask you to do it?
So here’s my question for you: What are your non-negotiables?
Not the things you should do. The things you absolutely must do to stay sane, present, and not resentful.
For me:
My kids go to daycare/school (I will never homeschool)
I build in breaks before life gets busy
I protect my work schedule boundaries
I get sunshine regularly
I release physical tension (massage, movement)
I don’t apologize for resting
What are yours?
Because I promise you this: The people who love you would rather have you rested, boundaried, and happy than martyred, depleted, and resentful.
Put your oxygen mask on first. Not someday. Today.
It’s not selfish. It’s how you keep showing up.
A few friendly notes: Client names are always changed to protect privacy. This newsletter may contain affiliate links to products I genuinely love and use myself. While I'm a licensed therapist, this content is for educational purposes and isn't medical advice - think of it as a conversation with a friend who happens to know about mental health. For personalized support, always consult your healthcare provider.