Being A Bonus Mom Taught Me The Most Important Thing About Time
Twelve years ago, I became a bonus mom to kids who live across the country. What I learned about presence changed everything...
Being A Bonus Mom Taught Me The Most Important Thing About Time
Twelve years ago, I became a bonus mom when I married my husband. His children were part of the package deal as soon as we got into a relationship together.
My bonus kids live in another state across the country, so the dynamics are complicated. But being a bonus mom has given me a unique perspective on parenting—and on not taking any moment for granted.
Two sets of children, one big lesson
We have a bonus son who's 18, a bonus daughter who's almost 16, and then our biological son who's 10 and daughter who's 7. Two sets of boy-girl, oldest-youngest. It feels like we get to experience parenting twice.
But there's grief woven through this joy. Due to the physical distance, we've missed out on so many milestone events—losing teeth, first days of school, recitals, games, all kinds of moments that are connected to parenting and childhood.
I believe it's because of missing out on those everyday moments that we've made different decisions about how we spend time with the kids who are in our home.
When missing out teaches you about showing up
This is what the Recognition phase of the Life Upgrade Method taught me—recognizing that our family values were shaped by loss and distance, and that's actually a gift.
Because we can't be there for every moment with our bonus kids, we've become intentional about being fully present for the moments we do have. Our weekends are devoted to family time. We have lots of movie nights. We spend time teaching our kids life skills and involving them in activities we enjoy—yardwork, home projects, just being together.
We opt for family time over time with friends or community activities. I know that's different from how many of my peers and their kids spend time, but it's what feels right for our unique situation.
This connects to what I wrote about the importance of rest—being present isn't just about slowing down, it's about showing up fully for the moments that matter.
The gift of borrowed time
Being a bonus mom means loving children who aren't fully yours but who have shaped your heart completely. It means celebrating their wins from afar and worrying about their struggles without being able to fix everything.
But it also means understanding that all parenting time is borrowed time. That every child eventually grows up and creates their own life. That the moments you have are precious specifically because they're limited.
What this taught me about presence
With my biological kids, I catch myself thinking we have all the time in the world. But my bonus kids taught me that's not true. Time moves fast. Kids grow up. Moments pass.
So when my 10-year-old wants to help me with yard work even though it would be faster to do it myself, I say yes. When my 7-year-old asks for one more story at bedtime, I read it. When both kids want to pile on the couch for a movie, we make it happen.
This is the Rise phase of the Life Upgrade Method—upgrading to new thoughts about what matters most. Instead of thinking I'll have plenty of time later, I choose to be present now.
This experience taught me about designing a life that fits your values instead of just following what everyone else is doing.
The beauty of blended love
Being a bonus mom has taught me that love doesn't have to look traditional to be real. That families can be created in all kinds of ways. That distance doesn't diminish affection, it just makes you more intentional about expressing it.
It's taught my biological kids that they have bonus siblings who love them. That family extends beyond our house. That love multiplies, it doesn't divide.
What I'm wondering
Whether you're a biological parent, bonus parent, or someone who loves children in your life—how might your perspective on time change if you truly believed every moment was borrowed?
What would you do differently if you knew that the everyday moments you're living right now are the ones your kids will remember when they're adults?
Time is the most precious gift we have. Being a bonus mom taught me not to waste it.
A few friendly notes: Client names are always changed to protect privacy. This newsletter may contain affiliate links to products I genuinely love and use myself. While I'm a licensed therapist, this content is for educational purposes and isn't medical advice - think of it as a conversation with a friend who happens to know about mental health. For personalized support, always consult your healthcare provider.