Why I Started Dreading Lunch With My Best Friend
I watched my client Lisa dread lunch with her friend, and I finally understood why some relationships feel like work...
Hi friends,
Lisa sat on our video call last Tuesday looking exhausted before her day had even really started. She had a lunch planned with her friend Monica, and instead of looking forward to it, she seemed like she was preparing for battle.
"I know I should be excited to see her," Lisa said. "She's going through a hard time with her divorce. But every conversation we have just... drains me."
I asked her to walk me through their typical interactions, and as she talked, I started to see why lunch felt like work instead of friendship.
Monica would text asking to meet "because she really needed to talk." They'd sit down, and Monica would launch into the latest drama with her ex, her job, her family. Lisa would listen, offer support, ask thoughtful questions. But the moment Lisa tried to share anything about her own life, Monica would find a way to redirect the conversation back to herself.
"She asked how I was doing," Lisa told me, "and when I mentioned that I was stressed about my mom's surgery, she said 'Oh yeah, that reminds me of when my aunt had surgery and how hard it was for ME.' And then we spent the rest of lunch talking about her aunt. Who I've never met."
When friendship becomes performance
I see this pattern a lot in my work with women. Generous people attract takers. People who have been conditioned to be good listeners and supportive friends often find themselves in relationships that flow in only one direction.
Lisa had learned early that her value in relationships came from being helpful, being available, being the person others could count on. And that worked fine until she realized that some people were perfectly happy to take her support without ever offering any in return.
"I don't think Monica even knows what's going on in my life," Lisa realized. "She asks how I am, but she doesn't actually listen to the answer."
This is what happens when we confuse being needed with being valued. Lisa thought she was being a good friend by always being available for Monica's crises. But good friendship requires reciprocity, and Monica had never learned to be curious about Lisa's inner world.
As I explored in my newsletter about how your inner circle shapes you, the people we surround ourselves with have a profound impact on our wellbeing—and sometimes we need to evaluate whether our relationships are actually nourishing us.
The emotional labor that goes unnoticed
What Lisa was experiencing is something I call emotional labor without acknowledgment. She was doing the work of maintaining the relationship—remembering details about Monica's life, following up on previous conversations, offering practical support—while Monica treated her like a free therapy session.
"I realized I know everything about her divorce proceedings," Lisa said, "but she doesn't know that I've been thinking about changing careers. Because every time I try to bring it up, she finds a way to make it about her job stress."
This isn't necessarily malicious. Some people genuinely don't realize they're monopolizing conversations. They're so focused on their own experience that they forget friendship requires interest in the other person's life too.
But impact matters more than intent. And the impact on Lisa was that she dreaded spending time with someone who was supposed to be her friend.
The boundary that felt revolutionary
I asked Lisa what she wanted from their friendship, and her answer was simple: "I want to feel like she actually cares about my life. I want to be able to share something without it immediately becoming about her."
So we practiced something that felt radical to Lisa: interrupting the pattern.
The next time Monica redirected a conversation about Lisa's life back to her own, Lisa was going to gently redirect it back. "I appreciate you sharing that, but I was actually hoping to talk through this thing with my mom. Can we focus on that for a few minutes?"
"That feels so rude," Lisa said.
"Ruder than hijacking your emotional experience?" I asked.
Lisa tried it at their next coffee date. Monica had asked about the career change Lisa was considering, and when Lisa started explaining her thoughts, Monica jumped in with "Oh, that's like when I was thinking about switching departments and..."
Lisa took a breath and said, "Monica, I'm actually really nervous about this decision and could use your perspective on my situation specifically."
Monica paused, looked surprised, and then said, "Oh! Yes, of course. Tell me more about what you're thinking."
They had the first reciprocal conversation they'd had in months.
What I'm learning about friendship
This whole situation with Lisa made me think about my own relationships. How often do I check in with friends about their lives instead of just updating them on mine? Am I curious about their inner worlds, or am I just waiting for my turn to talk?
Good friendship requires intentional reciprocity. It means being genuinely interested in the other person's experience, not just using them as an audience for your own.
But it also means having the courage to advocate for yourself when relationships become one-sided. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is teach someone how to be a better friend by not accepting less than you deserve.
What I'm curious about
Do you have relationships that feel more like performances than connections? Friends who know all the details of your life but share nothing meaningful about theirs? Or maybe the opposite—friends who treat you like their personal support system without offering support in return?
Hit reply and tell me. I think a lot of us are carrying relationships that drain us because we've confused being generous with being available for everything.
What would change if you expected your friendships to actually nourish you?
Lisa is learning that good boundaries don't end relationships—they create space for better ones. Monica is slowly learning to be curious about Lisa's life because Lisa stopped accepting one-way conversations as friendship.
You deserve friends who are as interested in your life as you are in theirs. You deserve relationships that energize you instead of depleting you.
Talk to you soon,
Mary
Such great wisdom and important advice that I think many of us need to hear! Thank you for this article.